Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Another dose of depression

So, since no one really reads my blogs any more I feel that posting the way I feel has helped me cope with the issues in my life and so what if someone else reads it. I hate writing and blogging helps me feel better- it's a free form of therapy!
I have gone about my life so far as a go getter- I am abitious I have been told. If there is something I want, I do what I can to get it, and 99.9% of the time, I achieve it. But lately I feel that no matter how hard I try at certain things, life is out to get me. Let's just say at this point, the eternities are looking so much better to me as each say passes and one more thing adds to Tara's list of "take it in the gut!" Yesturday during my break at work, I wrote down names of friends of mine that are expecting and their due dates so that I would remember.(There are over 10 women on this list). Those friends that are expecting really don't talk to me about their pregnancies because they think it will upset me- I appreciate every willing attempt to do so but it feels like it only make matters worse- my best friend is amongst this list of ladies and she has been distant lately. I have been trying to get over the fact that Dennis and I can't have children of our own but everytime I get to a good feeling point something happens and then the feelings come back again. They are unexplainable- the pain is horrible. I feel like changing my profession because some days when I am at work playing with my students it makes me feel worse- it's like a daily reminder of my problems. Then again it's nice because I get to be a part of their lives 5 days a week.
I want to get a dog but Dennis wants to wait until we get a house with a yard so he doesn't have to get up in the middle of the night and walk it since we can't just open the door and let the dog out into the yard. I feel like every mothering opportunity has been ripped away from me- this is a basic instinct that so despretley wants to come out- this is the type of person I was born to be. How would someone who wants such a big family be denied that?
I just wake up everyday asking myself it today is going to be ok or if one more thing is going to get added to my list of things that suck in my life. Oh to add to it for the week- Dennis quit his job and is currently looking for another one- add the wait of that to my shoulders- it just seems like everytime I get the chance to get a head in life something comes along that puts me 10 steps back.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Two Years

We celebrated our 2nd anniversary by going away for the weekend to the place where we spent our wedding night- Embassey Suites in Oakbrook. We spent Saturday walking around the Oakbrook mall- it was nice to have Dennis shop with me- that hasn't happened since April! We had dinner at our favorite restaurant- Maggianos. It was so good! We finished the evening with a dip in the pool, a few movies, and a midnight run to the gas station for some late night munchies!

This was the view from our room on the second floor. It was great to see one of my favorite places- Chicago!

The best part about staying at Embassey Suites is the complimentary cooked to order breakfast. You can get omletes, french toast, pancakes, sausage, bacon, hashbrowns, muffins, bagels, all kinds of fruit, and tons of juices. This was half the reason we decided to stay here again. Here is a preview of my breakfast- sorry you can't here the bag pipes playing in the background!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

My weekend in pictures

Shanna and Deanna came out to spend the weekend with us, despite Shanna's fragile condition. Poor girl threw up more times than I think I have in my life! On Saturday night we went to the Sandwich Fair with Deanna, Shanna, Josh & Nicole. It was a blast and of course Deanna was here usual cute self.

On Sunday, we got up and played with Deanna for a few hours before church ( I love having time in the morning to just lounge!) I was sitting in the living room talking to Shanna and I hear Deanna in the kitchen going " Auntie, I going to make you breakfast." So I just thought aww ain't that cute she is going to pretend. WRONG- I walk into the kitchen to find 4 pieces of bread in the toaster! Then she goes into "her" room and says she is getting dressed- She comes out in her skirt and Shanna's bra!!!! I think that was the best laugh I have ever had. My little girl is growing up so fast and she says the darndest but cuttest things! Enjoy the pics.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Just a preview

Here are a few house pictures of our living room and dining room. There will be more to come- I just have to find the time to take them of the rooms that are now unpacked and put away.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Letting go to become a better me

I must apologize for the negativety in my last blog entry. Life sure has taken the toll on us the last 6 months and I have managed to let it get the best of me. Today as I was driving home from my meeting at work, I felt a feeling of peace come over me. This was the first time in the last year that I had felt so amazing. I wanted to smile and call and talk to everyone I knew just to see how their day was going. I have decided to let go of everything that I had been holding onto that was making me a negative person. I just thought to myself that this isn't the type of person I am nor want to be. I am a happy kind and generous person. I needed to let go of the person I had become for the last few months and accept the fact that there are just things out my control that I can't change. This life is way to short to get down and depressed about the things that you can't have. Yes, I am crushed at the fact that Dennis and I won't be able to have children of our own or the fact that I have felt like I don't have any friends, feeling like I was left out of everything because I couldn't connect with others that had children and for a while I was looking at the negative instead of the positive. For example- I will never have to get fat, I don't have to sacrife my boobs! I will never have morning sickness, I will never have swollen feet. I will never have to go through all of those dr. visits where they poke you with needles and of course best of all I will never have to go through the pain of labor! But we are able to adopt of child that we can give just as much love to.

Through this whole ordeal, I am thankful for all of the things I do have like a loving husband and a caring family and a Heavenly Father that makes me realize that there is more to life that what I have been looking at.

So here goes.... I am letting go of everything mentioned and unmentioned that I have let hurt me.....

Saturday, September 1, 2007

September... In like a lion

Well I don't know where to begin as I sit here at 10:30 tonight. Today has been an emotional rollar coaster. First, I wake up to find an email from my ex- sister in law that she is 3 months pregnant and has decided to move in with her boyfriend. I went to a friends baby shower this morning. Then, I try to do stuff around the house and forget what I am trying to do or what I am trying to find. I literally got up to grab something, turned around and forgot what I was getting. YesturdayI started to look for a pair of work pants that I bought on Wednesday and couldn't seem to find them. As I was talking to Dennis to see if he has seen the American Eagle bag- he makes the coment- "well did it every make it to the car?' Well....yeah I think so. And then as we leave to go run errands I have this thought.... I don't think I walked out of New York and Company with the American Eagle bag??? So I call NY&C and sure enough, they have my bag sitting in their back closet waiting for the idiot that left it there to claim it! Then every store we went to there were pregnant women everywhere I turned... not joking! And to put the icing on the cake for the day, Nicole my best friend calls to tell us to come over they have to show us something. Dennis is convinced that they got a dog.... NOPE. Nicole announces to us that she is 8 weeks pregnant. Did I do something wrong to deserve this punishment?!! So as I sit here balling my eyes out, I am trying to make sense of everything. The hardest part is that Family is such a cornerstone of our religon, we were sealed in the temple and I have such a strong love for children that this is really killing me right now. My biggest fear is that it is going to make us fall away from the church a bit. How do you maintain such a solid testimony of family when you can't even have one? Not to mention the fact that we are the only couple in our new ward that doesn't have kids and if someone asks me one more time when we are going to have kids- I swear I am going to punch them.