Just when things were getting alittle better......

I have to had it to the advasary, he is doing a fine job and bringin me down and making me absolutley miserable. As many have known, Dennis and I found out last September that we aren't able to have children of our own but we are still holding on to that glimmer of hope, that miracle some wish for. Life has been extremely difficult since that day, 2 weeks before out 2nd annivesary- I would say much harder since Dennis and I have grown up together, been high school sweeties and best friends since the day we laid eyes on each other. My biggest frustration is that fact that everyone under the sun (including my little sis that I found out about today) is expecting! I can't escape it, I really can't. Just when I start to get over it someone informs me of their good news. The hardest part for me is that I am such a caring person and have the best friends in the world, yet I can't be happy for them and it's killing me. I have NO ONE to talk to about this whole ordeal because they are all pregnant and I don't want them to feel sorry for me, I just need someone who understands where I am coming from. So I have just been keeping it all inside because I don't want anyone to feel bad for me but at the same time one can only keep it in for so long. So today my sister calls in the middle of a break at a meeting at work and informs me that her husband of not evern a year and she are preggos. First, they are living in my uncles office, don't have insurance and fight quite often. I ask Why do they deserve a child and not me? Why me? I have always been a good girl, played by the rules, held the idea of family sacred to my heart even though I grew up in a broken family (if you can even call it that?) and this is what I get. Why does God allow the people who don't deserve a child to have one yet those who are ready and willing and have that capacity to love don't get that opportunity. You constantly here about parents killing their children yet I would give my life to have a child of my own.
It'e even harder because I feel like someone is missing. I feel like their is a spirit up there waiting for us and maybe their is and he/she will be sent to us one day but it hurts because their is a closeness that a husband and wife have when they share and child together and Dennis and I will never be able to experience that kind of connection and it breaks my heart.

So, if you are reading this please don't feel sorry for me but keep me in your prayers because having my family values and knowing what I know about families and the spiritual aspect , it is really pulling at my testimony of the gospel right now.