Another dose of depression

So, since no one really reads my blogs any more I feel that posting the way I feel has helped me cope with the issues in my life and so what if someone else reads it. I hate writing and blogging helps me feel better- it's a free form of therapy!
I have gone about my life so far as a go getter- I am abitious I have been told. If there is something I want, I do what I can to get it, and 99.9% of the time, I achieve it. But lately I feel that no matter how hard I try at certain things, life is out to get me. Let's just say at this point, the eternities are looking so much better to me as each say passes and one more thing adds to Tara's list of "take it in the gut!" Yesturday during my break at work, I wrote down names of friends of mine that are expecting and their due dates so that I would remember.(There are over 10 women on this list). Those friends that are expecting really don't talk to me about their pregnancies because they think it will upset me- I appreciate every willing attempt to do so but it feels like it only make matters worse- my best friend is amongst this list of ladies and she has been distant lately. I have been trying to get over the fact that Dennis and I can't have children of our own but everytime I get to a good feeling point something happens and then the feelings come back again. They are unexplainable- the pain is horrible. I feel like changing my profession because some days when I am at work playing with my students it makes me feel worse- it's like a daily reminder of my problems. Then again it's nice because I get to be a part of their lives 5 days a week.
I want to get a dog but Dennis wants to wait until we get a house with a yard so he doesn't have to get up in the middle of the night and walk it since we can't just open the door and let the dog out into the yard. I feel like every mothering opportunity has been ripped away from me- this is a basic instinct that so despretley wants to come out- this is the type of person I was born to be. How would someone who wants such a big family be denied that?
I just wake up everyday asking myself it today is going to be ok or if one more thing is going to get added to my list of things that suck in my life. Oh to add to it for the week- Dennis quit his job and is currently looking for another one- add the wait of that to my shoulders- it just seems like everytime I get the chance to get a head in life something comes along that puts me 10 steps back.